im at amandas house, and im mad cause she never gets on this anymore

I can’t stop eating like I’m still pregnant, lol.

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

How are you?

Dear Diary

A depressing event always causes me to start writing a diary.  And this, this was indeed an event that deeply upset me.  My father has been missing from my life for as long as I’ve been with Josh.  Three years.  And it may not seem like a long time to some, but it’s forever to a daughter who felt like her father was the only one in her family who cared about her due to the less than loving relationships with her mother and siblings.  In other words, I was a daddy’s girl.  He was my savior like Jesus to Christians.  And then one day, gone, just like Jesus.  He didn’t die, I would’ve been happy to know if he did.  Not that I want him dead, but I want to have some sort of clue about where he is.  It was out of no where.  One weekend he’s picking up my brother and I, and the next he doesn’t.  And the next, and the next.  Never again.  I can’t even remember the last time I saw him since it was so sudden.  They say be careful what you wish for, and I guess I should’ve been.  I just found out a few days ago that a few weeks ago he showed up in my sisters’ father’s bar with the woman who lied straight to my face about how they weren’t together anymore, that she hasn’t seen him in awhile.  I heard he’s really skinny now, probably on drugs again, which I never knew he did in the first place, which explains the other half of me that has the desire to try dangerous drugs for no apparent reason.  When I heard he was alive and not in jail, it tore me apart inside.  I could barely hold myself together on the outside.  Right then, I knew how it felt to feel like you had to hold yourself just to keep breating.  I never thought knowing he was out there somewhere would make me so upset.  I never thought I would be better off imagining that he somehow wasn’t able to reach me.  It’s true, the truth hurts.  He was somewhere out there, but he was able to reach me.  He wasn’t dead, and he wasn’t in jail.  He had no excuse.  He was perfectly capable of being here for me this whole time.  That’s even worse than not knowing, and I didn’t think anything was worse than that.  This was.  It was beyond being worse.  I felt worthless.  I didn’t understand, and I still don’t, how someone could do something so heartless.  Now it eats at me.  There were times before where I thought about how different my life would be if he was here.  If Josh would be here.  If Jason would be here.  How I would think of things.  Even how I would look.  I’ll never know.  Not that I’m not okay with the way things are, but I’ll always wonder what would be different.  I guess everything happens for a reason, but what could be the reason for this?  That I may never know either.

JOY -_-

An exhausting, pointless, entirely hilarious effort just to hear his laugh :)

(pointless because he’s too effing strong, lol.)